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06 July 2008 @ 06:05 pm
breast-feeding  
Title: Breast-Feeding
Characters: Xabi Alonso / Steven Gerrard, Daniel Agger / Steve Finnan, Fernando Torres, Harry Kewell, Javier Mascherano.
Warnings: Some language.
Disclaimer: Imagination - it's a beautiful thing, no?
Summary: Xabi needs some parenting help. He's come to the wrong people.
Notes: Seven-way conversation, so I really hope you can figure out who's who! I've been sitting on this for a while, but everyone seems to be leaving our dear club (just say "no", Xabi!), so I figured I should finally post this.
Inspired by this.
Feedback > life.




"Do you know anything of breast-feeding?"

"Breast-feedin'?"

"What feeding?"

"What about breast-feeding?"

"I don't ask you, Harry. I don't want to take the advice of a moron."

"Snap! . . . Is that right, 'snap'?"

"Oh fuck off, Agger, we're talking about parenting here, this is none of your business."

"Leave Danny the fuck alone, Kewell."

"But I know about parenting! I have two siblings."

"I have two siblings also, but I do not know of parenting."

"Yeah, that's because yours are older, Nando."

"So?"

"The point is that you and fucking Agger over here have no business in this conversation."

"I am not fucking Agger. He is."

"What? What are ye looking at me for?"

"No, not you! He is talking of Finns."

"Oh, you become to be confused because you are both Steve, no?"

"No, Nando, they are not confused! Do you get confused when people talk of Morientes?"

"Why they will talk of him? He have left, no?"

"Just - just forget it, is not important. Listen, I have to buy some breast-feeding equipment but Nagore is tired and busy with Jon so I have to buy it myself and I don't know what I am buying!"

"What is it you are buying?"

"I don't know, Nando!"

"But you say you are buying something! You do not know what it is?"

"Yes. I mean, no. I mean, I agree."

"Fuck, Xabi, yeh could try speakin' English. Make it a lot easier for us to understand."

"I am speaking English!"

"I am speaking English too!"

"Yes, Fernando, we can see tha'. Erm, I don't really know if we can help yeh, Xab... Maybe yeh should ask Yolanda or summat?"

"He should ask Yolanda or who?"

"Oh, Masch, come here, you can help us! Xabi needs to buy breast-feeding equipment. Any ideas?"

"What?"

"Xabi needs equipment. For breast-feeding. You have a baby and therefore a wife who feeds her with her breasts-"

"What you say about my wife's breasts? Fuck off!"

"No, no, Javier, Finns is saying nothing of your wife. He prefers Dan."

"Dan has breasts?"

"I do not, thank you very much! . . .They're called pecs."

"Please can you to talk more slow? I cannot understand what you are saying."

"That's probably a good thing, Torres. Probably a good thing."

"The first sensible thing you've said all day, Kewell."

"Oh, fuck off, Finns."

"Yes, fuck off!"

"Javier, you really need to stop punctuating all your sentences with 'Fuck off'."

"No, you fuck off!"

"I'm not telling you to fucking fuck off!"

"FUCK OFF!"

"SHUT UP! Fuckin' 'ell, yer a bunch o' nutcases, the lot of yeh. Can we get back to Xabi's problem?"

"Nobody here can help with that, I think."

"Yeah, you least of all, Agger."

"Fine! I'll go then! Fuck, I try to help, but no, I'm too young and childless, apparently..."

"Danny, wait!"

"No, fuck off!"

"Yes, fu-"

"Oh, shut up!"

"Everyone is so angry now! Is funny, no?"

"Yeah, really funny, Nando. My boyfriend has stormed off in a thunderous rage and-"

"And still nobody is helping with my problem."

"I don't get why yeh asked this lot to help yeh, anyway."

"Well, I tried to ask you last night but you weren't listening!"

"I weren't? I mean, I wasn't?"

"No! You were too busy talking about a speck of dirt on your hand, you weren't listening to me!"

"Oh yeah, that speck was fuckin' annoying. Managed to get rid of it, though."

"See, again you aren't listening to me!"

"Again? I listen to yeh all the time!"

"Not last night. You ignored me. And looked at your speck. And complained about your speck. And washed your speck. And then complained again about your speck."

"No, I fuckin' didn't!"

"Yes you did, Steven. I was very angry, you remember?"

"Yer always fuckin' angry, I can't remember every single time!"

"Does he tell you to fuck off?"

"Shut up, Javier!"

"Why you so angry, Finns?"

"You're the one who's fucking angry, telling everyone to fuck off!"

"Yes, fuck off!"

"Stevie is angry with Xabi because he putted some dirt on his hand."

". . . Torres, I think you should stay out of this."

"What? I say what is happening, no? But Xabi, why you are asking me about your baby?"

"He's not asking you. He's asking us, you just happen to be here."

"No, is not asking you either. He said this. He said you are moron."

"Yeah, well, he's fucking rude!"

"Ruud? Van Nistelrooy?"

"No, rude, like impolite."

"I think is impolite also, no? I went to shake his hand after a match and he walked in other direction! I was, how you say... Pissed on?"

"I would think somebody pissed on Steven's hand, he washed it so much."

"Oh, come off it! I'm sorry, alright? I'm fuckin' sorry."

"I don't care. Go home and wash your hands and tell to them that you are sorry."

"You talk to the hands? Is crazy, no?"

"No, I talk at the hands also. And the feet. If they are injury, then sometimes I talk at them."

"Let me guess, you tell them to fuck off?"

"I'll tell the whole lot of yeh to fuck off if yeh don't fuckin' pay attention and let Xabi know what he wants to know!"

"But already he knows what he wants to know, no?"

"Wha'?"

"He wants to know of the equipment. And he knows that he wants to know this."

". . . I really didn't think it was possible for anyone to be more useless than Agger in this conversation, but Torres, you just proved me wrong."

"What? I do not understand you, can you to speak more slow please?"

"My point proven again."

"Why do you talk to your hands?"

"If they are injury, you know. I say to them, 'Ow!'"

"Shut up! Stop speaking of your injuries and your 'Ow'! I am here talking to you! To get help! And you are not helping!"

"No, you are not talking to us. You are screaming, no?"

"Again, the boy-wonder Fernando Torres stuns everyone as he repeatedly manages to state the obvious."

"Again, Harry Kewell proves that he's an arsehole."

"Witty, Finnan. Very witty."

"What is 'witty'?"

"Nobody here, so don't worry about what it means, you'll never have to use it."

"Oh go and piss off with your boyfriend, Finnan!"

"No, is 'piss on'. On."

"It's fuckin' 'off', Fernando!"

"Yes, FUCK OFF!"


 
 
mood: cheerful
music: snow patrol - hands open
 
 
 
Steffi: Torresmira_miracle on July 9th, 2008 07:47 am (UTC)
This was hilarious! I nearly died trying to suppress my laughter and my boss keeps glancing at me in a very strange way :) I love how their English gets all garbled until no one remembers what exactly they have been talking about. Kewell's sarcasm was awesome. And Torres taking part even though he has no clue was priceless. The only thing missing to contribute to complete confusion was Carra's Scouse (imo, he's way harder to understand than Stevie).
presque: liverpoolcasi_casi on July 9th, 2008 08:01 am (UTC)
OMG I really, really want to write Carra sometime, but honestly - his Scouse confuses the hell out of me, so God knows how I'd write it!

Thanks for the awesome comment (I'm especially glad you liked Kewell) - and LOL @ your boss!